In relations, we often prefer to turn a blind eye to what is upset or annoying us in a partner. Well, why do we have a conflict? But this is a big mistake, psychologists believe. It is necessary to figure out the contradictions that they do not ruin the relationship in the future.
The word "conflict" enjoys a bad reputation – we automatically believe that the conflict leads to the destruction of relations. Many avoid quarrels as plagues, believing that it is better to close in the eyes of some contradictions and pretend that they do not exist than to allow a collision.
“In fact, not every conflict spoils the relationship: sometimes it prevents a much more serious and truly destructive confrontation,” said Michael Batscha, a psychotherapist from New York, the author of books about relations in a couple. And adds: "There are no problems too small, any need to discuss".
Another famous specialist and author of books on the topic of relations Terry Orbach agree with him, warning: “Do not leave trifles without attention”.
The study, which she conducts almost 24 years, with the participation of the same couples, allows her to say that “unresolved minor contradictions over time develop into big problems, which is already very difficult to cope”.
But so that the conflict does not spoil the relationship, but rather led to constructive results and contributed to strengthening the couple, some safety rules must be observed. This is what experts advise.
1. Learn to listen to a partner. Communication – the key to conflict resolution. And in order for it to be effective, you need to listen to a partner very carefully, and not think about why he is wrong, explains Michael Bat Show.
According to him, the partners who are “stuck” in the conflict are usually not able to show empathy for each other.
The task is to find the output of Win-Win, in which both win, so that no one has the feeling that he was subordinate to the will of another
2. Together invent a solution that will suit both. Each of you may have your own anxieties and fears. Family Psychotherapist Susan Haitler believes that it is necessary to share his concern with his partner in order to then arrange a brainstorming and come up with a solution that arranges both. But stubbornly defending your points of view is not worth it.
She gives an example: imagine a pair that argues about parking. The husband does not want his wife to put the car in a garage parking lot when he goes to the city center on business. The wife considers his claims ridiculous: most often, except in the garage, there is nowhere to park.
But let’s try to understand their positions more https://globalpharmacy24.com/drug/kamagra-chewable deeply: what anxiety do we find? The husband worries that there is little space for maneuver in the parking lot, and therefore scratches or dents appear on the car from time to time. And the repair is expensive, with which its discontent was connected.
The wife is worried that she can be late for her business meetings if she is looking for parking on the street.
Having designated their fears, they began to discuss how this problem can be solved. The husband suggested buying a wide rear -view mirror so that his wife could be more accurate during maneuvers in the parking lot. In addition, he was ready to take her to the city himself, as he recently began to work at home and could afford to be distracted by the trip.
Explaining that you are not satisfied, talk only about actions, behavior of a partner, but not about his personal qualities
The wife, in turn, said that she would install the car on the top floor of the garage, where there is usually more free space and, therefore, less risk of scratching the car. In addition, she was not opposed to leaving the car away from the center and go to the meeting place on foot: she still lacks physical exertion.
“The general principle here is this: your anxiety is my anxiety,” says Susan Haitler.
The task is to find the output of Win-Win, in which both win, so that no one has the feeling that he was subordinate to the will of another. But there can be a constructive conversation only if partners are in a relaxed state and positively configured.
“If partners confront each other, then in the end they experience negative feelings, at least frustration. And when they develop a general solution, they feel even more loving and close people, ”the psychotherapist emphasizes.
3. Discuss the actions without moving to persons. Terry Orbach draws attention to this.
“Explaining that you are not satisfied, talk only about actions, behavior of a partner, but not about his personal qualities,” she notes. – It will be much easier for him to hear you, and he will understand what he should work on. ".
4. Serious conversations lead when you are calm. For a constructive explanation, we need an emotionally safe atmosphere.
“Then we will be able to describe our thoughts/feelings/experience related to the conflict, and respectfully talk about all this, instead of understanding who is right, who is to blame,” says Robert Solly, a clinical psychologist from San Francisco, specializing in psychotherapy steam.
“Do not start a conversation when emotions overwhelm you,” Batscha agrees. – They cloud your thoughts, and you see everything in a distorted light. ". It is important to carefully think carefully what you want to say.
5. If you are nervous, pause. Once again: it is vital to remain calm when it comes to a conflict topic. But in practice, of course, the conversation can upset, excite, annoy.
If you feel that emotions are captured, interrupt the conversation to calm down. It is not possible to cope with them – transfer the conversation for tomorrow, advises Batscha.
6. Set the boundaries. Determine for yourself what is acceptable for you and what is not (for example, obscene abuse, assault, screams, screeching), Batscha says. "It’s like in football: if the players run out of the boundaries of the field, the game stops".
7. Start the conversation on a walk. When conducting a study, Terry Orbuch found that “men on a difficult topic are much easier when they are simultaneously engaged in some kind of activity, for example, during a foot or bicycle walk. Perhaps the first conversation is better to start in the “side of the side” format than face to face.
8. Do not be afraid to apologize. Apologies can work miracles, says Terry Orbach. “We all make mistakes, and we need to be able to admit that in some of our arguments we were wrong. It is not necessary to say “forgive me for these words”, we can say “I’m so sorry that we are fighting”.
The secret of successful couples is that they learn to discuss their problems flexibly and in a tactful form, without accusing each other of their differences
9. Seek psychological help. If you are “stuck” in some conflicting situation or a partner does not want to discuss the problem with you, you should think about a visit to a family psychotherapist, reminds Batscha.
“The sooner you come to a consultation,” Solly continues, “the easier it will be to help you and the longer you will enjoy excellent relationships”.
So, the key to good relations is not to be afraid of conflict. If today we carefully avoid an unpleasant conversation about the problem that disturb us, in the future it can develop into a chronic one, destroy our relations and make us unhappy.
Solly recalls the study of the famous psychologist John Gottman, who showed that two -thirds of the problems arising in pairs do not disappear anywhere: “The secret of successful couples is that they learn to discuss their problems flexibly and in a tactful form, without accusing each other of their differences”.
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