When I was young, my dad and I would have a lot of “vigorous discussions”. My mom and the family dog and cats all wanted us to stop. Did we stop? NO.
My dad an extremely bright college professor liked to “discuss” issues with me. The problem, we both wanted to win. One example of his competitiveness; the day I finally beat him in tennis, he blamed the tennis balls. We usually played with Penn balls, but that day we played with Wilsons, and because of those Wilson Balls, I had been victorious.
In high school I was on the verge of winning many discussions with my dad. In fact I was sure I had won some. My mom even shook her head yes when I yelled into the other room. Mom I won that, didn’t I? Not my dad. He never has verbally given me a victory.
So how do you really win an argument? You decide not to argue.
Dale Carnegie said, “The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.”
Thanks to all the great early practice with my dad and the implementation of strategy, I have won a lot of arguments. But in those wins, I have really lost. I lost connection with friends, girl friends, family members, and strangers. Yes, I even argued with strangers. I loved to be right. Being right cost me a lot. Love, sex, money, time… I lost clients. I lost deals. I lost positive connecting time with people. I lost lots.
There has been a compulsion in me to share, fix, and show people where they are wrong in politics, business, sports, and life. Prove to people that I am right and they should listen to my opinion.
Many times I have been right, but the way it came across, it didn’t connect. It wasn’t heard. Even if the other person felt I was right they didn’t feel good about me.
When two people argue, their faces form expressions that trigger our brain… Warning Enemy. The response signaled is to run, fight or freeze. Can you relate to those feelings when you have argued?
I have a compass question (a question that can point you in a direction) . Are you connecting or disconnecting? What I mean, does the relationship feel closer and warmer or more distant and colder?
So how do you avoid the argument when someone else is picking the fight? One way is to look for a partial truth at least from the other side. Find something you can agree with. For example in politics, “Donald Trump is a great candidate, he will make a great president.” If you believe he will be a danger to the US because of his over use of the word “Great” when he refers to himself. You might say, I agree he makes a good candidate. He brings out what has been hidden under the surface and now we can deal with it.
Another way to avoid an argument: I respect your opinion, thank you for sharing; you matter to me more than this issue.
If you do argue or discuss try not to: Raise your voice, Threaten, Bring issues from past, or Deliver ultimatums.
Also, Please keep an open heart and mind.
If you wish to discuss anything here, I wish to hear. You matter.
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